Into the mind of depression - My own personal hell

Living with depression is all easier said than done and nobody is perfect. I like to focus on the positive and what you can do to better your life and get through the tough days, but I am not perfect and I have my moments. I wanted to let you all in on what it is like in my mind when the emotions hit. I wrote down all the thoughts that were traveling through my mind, hopefully this gives those that don't understand a look as to what we are going through. Here is a glimpse inside my own personal hell...

Sometimes I don’t know what I want or what I mean, I am just as lost as everyone else trying to read my mind. This feeling is so overwhelming, I can't fight the tears, and what's worse is that I have no idea why. I have no clue as to what triggered this emotion and no idea on how to fix what is broken. I feel alone, I just want to hide and shut the world out. 

This feeling is so much that it hurts. My throat closes up and I feel like can't breathe. I hate knowing that I will call out of work again because I just can't handle it. I wish that I could bring myself to apply for more jobs that I want and the jobs that will make more, but knowing that I cannot commit to these jobs, knowing that the stress alone will be enough to break me has held me back. 

This is something that I would gladly give up, if given the choice but instead it is something that I need to go through. The mental breakdown is usually followed by a crying panic attack that won't stop. Sometimes it's quick, and my tear ducts dry up, and it's over and other times this last's for days or weeks at a time. This wave of emotions screws up everything in my life. It messes with work, because I am constantly having to call out. It screws me up socially because all I want to do is crawl up in bed and shut the world out. My husband has been amazing and has stood by my side through all of this. He is always trying to cheer me up and reassure me that everything will be okay. I am so grateful for him, but sometimes you can't simply be cheered up. Things can make you smile, but at the end of it you feel damaged. The last thing that I ever want to do is let this affect my home life, but the sad truth is that it does, I am just lucky enough to have help and someone that will stand by my side through it all. I realize that I am not alone and that there are others out there that are feeling the same way and going through the same struggles but in my own mind I feel alone.  I know that something is wrong and that something needs to change, but right now I cannot focus on the day, let alone on how to better myself in the future. 

I am always trying to look at the bright side of things, but today I cannot see one. Instead, all that I see are obstacles that are preventing me from having the life I love and want to live. I don’t want my husband to have to cheer me up every day, even though I know he is willing, I fear that eventually he will become exhausted and I will lose my best friend. Thankfully, I see us together forever, and he reassures me that he would never leave my side, but today my mind is terrified that my depression will conquer all and that I will lose everything. 

I know that there are people who do not understand, my own family does not believe in depression or stress, "it's all in your mind", they would say. I can't imagine not having my husband to turn to and it makes me sad that there are people in this world that still feel alone and ashamed and I wish that I could help all of you. I wish that this world was filled with life, love and happiness and it's not. When I see or hear of something sad, it makes me genuinely upset and sends me into a funk, that is about the only time I can pinpoint a trigger. 

I wish that I was Supergirl and I could save the world, I feel I am constantly carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's not mine to carry. I should not let what I cannot change affect me, but it does and there are many things that are out of my reach. I do what I can with volunteering, and having a heart so full makes me a better person, but there is only so much I can do, only so much that I can take before I break. I am only human and I make mistakes, and I am not perfect, but I try to be.

..... All that I ask is that you please don’t judge me. #NoMoreTears

For those of you that are fighting please know that you are not alone, please feel free to contact me with all of your comments, questions and concerns. Ask Alice is now available for those of you needing advice. Together we can help fight this. And remember, when you need it, there is no shame in seeking help from a medical professional. 

Just a thought

Happiness can be hard to find but that doesn’t mean that you have to go your life without happiness. With all the violence and hate in the world today, we could all use a little more happy in our life. Find something that you love to do and get out there an do it, then do it again and again. Find joy in the little things and learn to smile more. This can be anything you want it to be. It can be something small such as hiking more or it can be something big such as redefining your life. If you are not happy with doing something don’t do it and if you have something that makes you happy then do that all the time. I know, I know easier said than done. This will take hard work and good habits but will be worth it in the end. Do what you can now for a better tomorrow. Stop focusing on negative things or things that upset you, for example I have stopped watching the news. The news upsets me and I don’t want to see all that is going wrong and bad in the world first thing in the morning so I have cut that out of my life. This is not to say that I wont keep up on current events but I will do so on my own time in my own way. Say what you want to say and speak your mind. Stay true to yourself and live your life. 2016 is your year! 

Expressing Myself

Over the weekend I heard some comments about "depressed people" and how they just make this up for attention. Maybe there are some people who do but for those who do have it, this is something that is hard to hear. I wish more than anything I could control my emotions and mind 100 percent of the time, but I simply cannot. Yesterday and today have been difficult for me. I woke up yesterday feeling fine but halfway through the day I started to feel anxious. My stomach started hurting, my mind started to run and I was having a hard time focusing on the day. I was able to go home, rest up and relax a little with some love from my husband, TV and some MJ. For those of you just tuning in please go see my other blogs about things I do to try and help myself have a better day. In doing those things I was able to relax a bit and get some much needed rest. Today however, I woke up anxious, my mind was running at 6AM and there was nothing that I could do to change this. I did not want to wake up and get moving for the day but I didn’t have much of a choice. I am feeling nervous, anxious and judgmental. This is not who I am, I feel like a different person. When I feel down I just want to ignore everyone and everything. I don’t feel like talking and don’t feel like doing much of anything at all. I hate this feeling but this is sometimes a feeling that is out of my control. So the question is how to get through a day of this. I am not exactly sure of the answer yet. Today's post is not what I am going to do to try and ease my mind. Today's post is just me expressing myself. Surprisingly enough writing these posts helps me focus which calms my mind. I am not alone and hopefully those of you who struggle with me are not struggling today. If you are struggling please please try and have a better day go read some of my posts on what to do to ease your mind and try something new. Who knows you may find a new hobby or even better a new way to relax your mind. 

The Little Things . . .

My last post was about writing and challenging everyone to get out and write to help clear the mind. I took this as a challenge and am currently on page 5 of my short story. They story I am writing is definitely bizarre but writing it has made me very happy, when I am writing down my thoughts and forming stories that is my only focus and the rest follows. The only time I feel sad is when I am at a stopping point and don't have enough time in the day to just write more.

Today I am going opposite, I am recommending a movie night. Get together with a friend, family member or your partner in crime, grab some candy and popcorn and settled down for a nice movie, or any movie for that fact! Sometimes we forget about the little things in life that we enjoy, like watching a movie, tonight it's time to enjoy! I would love to see your posts on what movie you decided to watch!

Have a great day! 

Day 15 Results and Today's Post on Writing

Welcome back! I hope that you all enjoyed the holidays and hopefully took some time off to spend with your loved ones! I am so happy to be back on here.

First things first, the final day 15 results! So for the last day I decided that I was going to make a list of everything that I was grateful for to cheer me up. It turns out that when I actually think about all the little things I realize that I have so much to be grateful for! This made me so happy knowing that through it all I still have a pretty damn good life.

Now for today's post;

Writing to calm anxiety and stress I decided to make this post on writing for a few reasons;

1. When I am writing I get lost into my own world, the stress seems to disappear.

2. Writing is a great way to vent. You can keep a journal and write down all of your frustrations then you can recycle that piece of paper and literally 'throw your stress away'

3. Writing helps me focus on one thing, the story. This helps clear my mind and helps me to have a better day. Sometimes I write non fiction and other times fiction. I am hoping to branch out and get into more fantasy.

I challenge all of you to go and write, the possibilities are endless and you can write down whatever you want. There are some writing contests that are going on write now, submit your entry and good luck! If you want more info or to leave a comment please feel free to do so!

And remember have a great day today! 

Day 14 Results

Day 14 Results:

Breathing

All day I was focused on my deep breathing. I have read articles that state breathing helps reduce stress and calm the mind. I wanted to try this for myself. Several times throughout the day as I was feeling overwhelmed I stopped to take a deep breathe. I would breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. And repeat. For me this helped me temporarily clear my mind and focus only on my breathing. In that moment my stress was gone. The stress came back, as it always does, shortly after. I found that for me the breathing feels good and calms me. I plan to use this in the future when I need just a moment to chill.

The Last Day: In the spirit of Thanksgiving I would like to make day 15 my day of gratitude. Today when I start to feel stressed or overwhelmed I am going to make a list of everything that I am grateful for.

Day 13 Results

Day 13 Results:

Listening to music to change my mood

Throughout the day yesterday tasks seemed to be weighing down on me. I quickly reminded myself to turn on some tunes to see if this will help. I played songs that were new or fresh on my mind, all happy songs about life and love. This helped me focus on just getting through the day so that when I got home I could focus on our family time.

Day 14 Breathing - I am going to focus on my breathing

Results days 10, 1 & 12

Day 10, 11 and 12:

Staying calm and thinking positively

With everything that goes on in life it is easy to get caught up in all the small issues. It seems like your mind can't stop running and just keeps going in circles inside your head. Staying calm and thinking positively is not easy to do when your mind is unsettled. So how do you do it? I spent all weekend trying to remind myself that I have so much good in my life but for some reason I was not able to shut off my mind. I had to have help with this one. My husband was right by my side all weekend. Each time that I felt down he reminded me of all the good we have in our life and how no matter what we have each other. I know that we are committed to one another but it still helps to hear him remind me. He was a big part in us having a great weekend. Sometimes as hard as it is, asking for help is the best answer. A good support system even if it is just at home does good.

Again - not a doctor but this is just what helps me get buy.

Today's challenge Day 13 will be listening to music to alter my mood.

Day 9 Results

Day 9 Results: Go for a walk with someone

Yesterday as the stress started to creep up on me I remembered that my goal was to go on a walk to help. So that is just what I did, I decided to invite another woman that I work with to come along. We went for a nice walk it was very chilly. At first we started to talk about things we had in common and then we just walked. This was so peaceful, it definitely helped, plus I got to know my co worker a lot better.

Day 10 and through the weekend 11, 12: Staying calm and thinking positively - This will be a challenge considering my morning

Day 8 Results

Day 8 Results:

Go for a walk.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. I was stressed, emotional and did not feel well. Honestly, the last thing that I wanted to do was to force myself to go on a walk. So I skipped it. I am not perfect and it takes a lot of effort to put on that fake smile and continue on with your day. I understand this completely. So today I am going to try again and not only me but I am going to try and get someone to go with me. I think that this will help break up the day, keep me focused and positive. Let's try this again!

Day 9: Go for a walk with someone!

Day 7 Results

Day 7 Results:

Positive Thinking

Yesterday, was a particularly hard day to think positive. As I tried to remember all that I am thankful for I realized that I have a great life. Even though it is hard at times, life is still beautiful. My husband was a big help as the night carried on and I began to think about everything that was stressing me. He quickly reminded me that I needed to be thinking positively and that everything will work out. This has been a difficult challenge when I am feeling down but I realize that it is worth it. When I think positive thoughts I actually feel better.

Day 8: Go for a walk. Today my goal is to go for a walk. Anytime I am feeling off or stressed I am going to go on a walk. This will help me exercise and get some fresh air. I will post results tomorrow!

Day 6 Results

Day 6 Results

Motivate Someone Else

I decided for this task to send out motivational emails to everyone in the office. I was surprised by the number of people that replied back with a thank you and told me that was what they needed to hear.

This made me happy

Day 7 back to positive thinking, things have no been going the way I planned lately. I am not lucky at all. So I decided that it is time for another day of positive thinking.

Weekend Results Day 3-5

Day 3 Results:

Compliment Someone

I gave a compliment to someone at work. This person has been so awesome and helps keep me motivated throughout the weeks. She loved the compliment and it made me feel better.

Day 4 Results:

Smile and Wave

We stayed in the house most of the day so there was not much opportunity again to do this but we checked the mail on Saturday and had a chance to smile and wave at our neighbors. This felt good and we got friendly responses back.

Day 5 Results:

Compliment Someone

I was feeling so down on Sunday and I decided to compliment my husband, he didn't even know it but just a small compliment to show I cared was all that I needed for me to feel better. I let him know how much I love him and need him around, he then spent the next 2 hours talking to me and made me feel so much better. Letting someone know you care is such a great feeling!

Next challenge - Day 6 - Motivate Someone Else

Today I am going to help motivate someone else who needs Motivation this Monday !

Day 2 Results

Day 2 Results:

Smile and Wave. 

Unfortunately, I did not come across many opportunities to smile and wave at people. I did however, make an effort to tell someone to have a good day. I saw this young women in the restroom at work, she was frantically doing her hair and makeup. I said hello and she said hello back and that was it. On my way out a thought came across my mind. This was an opportunity to do some good. I turned around and told her to have a good day. She was taken back and it made her smile, which then made me smile. 

In conclusion sometimes even the smallest things can make a difference, I will continue to smile and wave throughout the weekend and see if I can make a difference in someone's day. 

I am going to try to compliment someone in need! 

Kindness = Happiness

Since it is Friday I will be posting the results for days 3,4 and 5 on Monday. Have a great weekend! 

Day 3: Compliment Someone 

Day 4: Smile and Wave again ... I know that this is a repeat but I am trying to develop small habits that can make a difference so I will be repeating challenges with the hopes of different results. 

Day 5: Compliment Someone

Day 1 Results

Day 1 Results:

Positive Thinking. 

I immediately felt a little better after finishing yesterday's blog. Blogging makes me happy. It makes me feel better and if I can help one person then it's all worth it. 

Blogging = Happiness

I was emailing my husband back and forth throughout the day yesterday and letting him know how I was feeling. His sweet words gave me more encouragement to keep thinking positively. 

"You are allowed to have days where you are emotional. I love you. We will get through it all. I promise".

When we got home we instantly cuddled up and began watching our favorite TV shows. We talked in between commercials. When I started feeling insecure about my looks I did a 360 and changed my thinking. Instead I told my husband how lucky he was to have me vs any other women out there. When he quickly agreed with my statement this made my heart melt and made me feel a lot better.

Yesterday was a good day and today will be to. 

In conclusion sometimes it is not easy but there are little things you can do throughout the day to remain positive. In the end it is worth it! 

Day 2: Smile and Wave 

I am going to try to smile and wave as much as possible today! 

Self Love #NoMoreTears

Several times a day I will ask my husband how I look, what he loves about me and the good that he see's in me. I know that this sounds needy but I am fortunate enough to have a husband that is very supportive and puts up with me. The reason I ask these questions is because in my mind I am never good enough. I am constantly picking on myself for things that should not even matter. I am worried if I do not look good, I worry about having a bad hair day and about what I am wearing. I know that sounds superficial but there is more. I get disappointed in myself when I don’t clean the house daily or when I skip a workout. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders and when I get down the list grows with things that are out of my control. I feel upset that I am not a perfect person and hurt when I can't help others. At this point I am an emotional wreck and there is no stopping the tears. The reassurance I get from my husband does not always stop the tears and the feelings I am having. It does however, let me take a step back and feel loved. He seems to know what the right words to say are. The feeling of being loved is far greater than my depression and eventually I can calm down and breathe. It is easier to love yourself on the good days, the trick is loving yourself on the bad days too. I truly believe that you are your own worst enemy. When we forget to love ourselves and focus on all the negative that we see we tend to feel emotional, fearful, and exhausted both mentally and physically. This is usually when the eyes start to tear up and come pouring down.

I thought that today's post should be a lesson on loving ourselves. This will take time and be a learning process for both you and I. I cannot guarantee results but I can just let you know what I am going to try and post my results. Over the next 15 days I will be posting daily letting you know my progress and what I plan to do next. #NoMoreTears.

Day 1

I am going to focus more on the positive things in my life. Are you ready?! Get started with me! Comment, email and follow me.

Go Live

Sometimes when you are feeling down and overwhelmed you need a day just to you. Take it! Enjoy the rest of the day, go outside and make today perfect. Pull out your headphones and go for a walk or run. Enjoy the changing seasons and capture some pictures. Please comment and post, I would love to see the pictures of everyone out enjoying the day.

About me and why I started blogging

Hi, my name is Alice. This is about my journey down the rabbit hole known as depression. After realizing that I am not alone and that other people feel the exact same way I feel, I have finally made the decision to start blogging. Hopefully, if nothing else, my blog will inspire and help others struggling with depression, anxiety and other emotional issues.  I am not a doctor. I am writing this blog for my own good and again hopefully I can help others get through some tough times.

I struggle with depression and anxiety. My family is not aware of this, just my husband and myself. For a long time I was in denial. I did not want to see any kind of doctor and I was sure that this was just a phase. I was not sure how to address the issue so I ignored it, until it finally took over. I finally broke, with tears streaming down my face, I called out of work...again. This was the turning point for my husband and myself, I knew that I needed to change or this would consume and ruin my life.

Before I get started just a little background. I have always struggled with making decisions and telling people what and how I am feeling. Recently, I have discovered more people who are struggling and then it clicked. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE. What a relief, I know that depression is a real issue but because I didn't have thoughts of suicide I figured that for some reason I was ungrateful for the life I have or that I should not feel so selfish. This should not be the case. Even a little depressed is still depressed. For those of you out there that are looking for support or an outlet, please follow my blog. My posts will focus on the positive, the negative and the emotional side of this. I will post things that have helped myself and others get through the days one step at a time. Not everyone will relate to this but I encourage your feedback and comments.

Sincerely,
Alice

Marijuana and depression

Marijuana. Here is a topic that is being brought up more and more. Does Marijuana help with depression? Many people who experience depression often treat it with prescription antidepressants. However, antidepressants themselves raise some concerns. So the question remains, does cannabis help when your depressed.

According to the Colorado pot guide (https://www.coloradopotguide.com/colorado-marijuana-blog/2015/march/16/cannabis-as-a-treatment-for-depression/) Cannabis has been shown to improve depressive symptoms by stimulating the endocannabinoid system and increase neurogenesis, similar to the way many anti-depressants do but without the required daily regimen. Cannabis also has more mild side effects compared to many popular anti-depressants (including, trouble sleeping, fatigue and sexual dysfunction; not to mention potential birth defects if taken during pregnancy).

As long as the strain is correct and the dosage is accurate, marijuana can be a very effective treatment for stress, depression and anxiety by allowing the person to either focus on the situation objectively or by offering peace of mind enough to forget it for a while. In other words, Bob Marley was right; "When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself". This can be hugely beneficial to those suffering from depression, and can be used in a hurry (by smoking for vaping the product) or be maintained throughout the day (with patches or edibles) the way one might take an antidepressant. Best of all, withdraw symptoms are comparatively minor and include irritability, problems with focus, and difficulty eating and sleeping.

Alight so it seems okay but do you really know of anyone who has suffered from anxiety and depression that uses Marijuana to help. You do now! After doing the research and talking to doctors about my husband’s heart condition we decided to try it. It helped my husband get off of a few daily prescriptions that were harmful to his body (Zanex, Ambien etc.). I decided to try it for myself. It genuinely has helped and now I can’t help but spread the word. There are no harmful side effects and I’m a overall happier person.

More to come on this topic and more. Please feel free to leave questions and comments. I would love to hear from you!

It's all in your head

The most common response to depression that I hear is that it is all in your head. This is true to a degree. 

Depression is a serious condition. It’s also, unfortunately, a common one. The World Health Organization characterizes depression as one of the most disabling disorders in the world, affecting roughly one in five women and one in ten men at some point in their lifetime. It is estimated that 21% of women and 12% of men in the U.S will experience an episode of depression at some point in their lifetime.

Although scientists agree that depression is a brain disorder, the debate continues about exact causes. Many factors may contribute to the onset of depression, including genetic characteristics, changes in hormone levels, certain medical illnesses, stress, grief, or substance abuse. Any of these factors alone or in combination can bring about the specific changes in brain chemistry that lead to the many symptoms of depression, bipolar disorder and related conditions.

This being said please check out my last post about keeping you happy through it all.