Into the mind of depression - My own personal hell

Living with depression is all easier said than done and nobody is perfect. I like to focus on the positive and what you can do to better your life and get through the tough days, but I am not perfect and I have my moments. I wanted to let you all in on what it is like in my mind when the emotions hit. I wrote down all the thoughts that were traveling through my mind, hopefully this gives those that don't understand a look as to what we are going through. Here is a glimpse inside my own personal hell...

Sometimes I don’t know what I want or what I mean, I am just as lost as everyone else trying to read my mind. This feeling is so overwhelming, I can't fight the tears, and what's worse is that I have no idea why. I have no clue as to what triggered this emotion and no idea on how to fix what is broken. I feel alone, I just want to hide and shut the world out. 

This feeling is so much that it hurts. My throat closes up and I feel like can't breathe. I hate knowing that I will call out of work again because I just can't handle it. I wish that I could bring myself to apply for more jobs that I want and the jobs that will make more, but knowing that I cannot commit to these jobs, knowing that the stress alone will be enough to break me has held me back. 

This is something that I would gladly give up, if given the choice but instead it is something that I need to go through. The mental breakdown is usually followed by a crying panic attack that won't stop. Sometimes it's quick, and my tear ducts dry up, and it's over and other times this last's for days or weeks at a time. This wave of emotions screws up everything in my life. It messes with work, because I am constantly having to call out. It screws me up socially because all I want to do is crawl up in bed and shut the world out. My husband has been amazing and has stood by my side through all of this. He is always trying to cheer me up and reassure me that everything will be okay. I am so grateful for him, but sometimes you can't simply be cheered up. Things can make you smile, but at the end of it you feel damaged. The last thing that I ever want to do is let this affect my home life, but the sad truth is that it does, I am just lucky enough to have help and someone that will stand by my side through it all. I realize that I am not alone and that there are others out there that are feeling the same way and going through the same struggles but in my own mind I feel alone.  I know that something is wrong and that something needs to change, but right now I cannot focus on the day, let alone on how to better myself in the future. 

I am always trying to look at the bright side of things, but today I cannot see one. Instead, all that I see are obstacles that are preventing me from having the life I love and want to live. I don’t want my husband to have to cheer me up every day, even though I know he is willing, I fear that eventually he will become exhausted and I will lose my best friend. Thankfully, I see us together forever, and he reassures me that he would never leave my side, but today my mind is terrified that my depression will conquer all and that I will lose everything. 

I know that there are people who do not understand, my own family does not believe in depression or stress, "it's all in your mind", they would say. I can't imagine not having my husband to turn to and it makes me sad that there are people in this world that still feel alone and ashamed and I wish that I could help all of you. I wish that this world was filled with life, love and happiness and it's not. When I see or hear of something sad, it makes me genuinely upset and sends me into a funk, that is about the only time I can pinpoint a trigger. 

I wish that I was Supergirl and I could save the world, I feel I am constantly carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's not mine to carry. I should not let what I cannot change affect me, but it does and there are many things that are out of my reach. I do what I can with volunteering, and having a heart so full makes me a better person, but there is only so much I can do, only so much that I can take before I break. I am only human and I make mistakes, and I am not perfect, but I try to be.

..... All that I ask is that you please don’t judge me. #NoMoreTears

For those of you that are fighting please know that you are not alone, please feel free to contact me with all of your comments, questions and concerns. Ask Alice is now available for those of you needing advice. Together we can help fight this. And remember, when you need it, there is no shame in seeking help from a medical professional.